Testosterone Terrordome:Cyclists and rapists, sleeper cell terror alert: vengeful anarchist sports masseuses
4 August 2006If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
I am laughing myself silly over the convoluted excuses two high profile drug cheaters are using, each having gotten caught red-handed with a fistful of cookies and no one else in the kitchen. The Tour De France winner ended up with an 8 to 1 testosterone/epi-testosterone ratio and initially went to the “I have a naturally high amount of testosterone in my system” place. I’ve heard that one before: one strength athlete caught with a 15-1 ratio explained to the governing board at his appeal hearing, “It’s a well documented fact that rapists and sex crime offenders have clinically been shown to possess naturally elevated testosterone levels.” The appeals jury, initially flabbergasted at this defense and its incredulous inference, (putting the miscreant in the same proverbial boat as societal scum) denied the appeal and banned the weightlifter for three years. The “naturally elevated” excuse didn’t work in 1988 and it won’t work in 2006. Some folks have higher naturally occurring testosterone levels than other folks and that is why sport governing bodies allow a 2,3,4,5 or 6 to 1 test/epi-test ratio. 1 to 1 is normal and 2 to 1 occur in acne-laden teen boys. 3 to 1 could conceivably occur in a tiny segment of the most testosterone-infused segment of the male species….think Jim Brown, Ray Lewis or some genetic wonder going from high school straight to the NBA. (Perhaps even rapists) Even an elevated test level does not explain the absence of a similarly elevated epi-testosterone level. The two hormones move parallel to one another so when one is stratospheric and the other earthbound it’s a sure sign funny business is afoot. Riddle me this Bat Man: why is it that the testosterone levels that are always sky high? Could it be that an elevated epi-testosterone level doesn’t help athletic performance one iota? I know of no instance where an athlete was banned for excess epi.
By the way, for the uninformed, extra testosterone “makes a body stronger” to steal from the “Got Milk?” ad quote. Stronger equates to bigger, faster, more agile and hostile. The poor Tour cheat no sooner got the “Think of me as a rapist” excuse out of his mouth when the federation lowered the double whammy and it was revealed that not only was his test/epi-test ratio out of whack but new technology now allows testers to determine if testosterone is natural or synthetic: surprise, surprise, his excess test was synthetic! No word on how that occurred – perhaps some disgruntled sex offender spiked his electrolyte replenishment drink with synthetic juice. Now that authorities have the ability to parse natural from artificial testosterone, watch for cutting-edge Black Arts coaches to seek testosterone obtained from cadavers – a new black market could emerge and huge bucks spent to obtain “naturally occurring” testosterone some how some way. Gruesome, incredible, horrific? True, true and true - yet plenty of precedent exist: back in the 1980’s it was determined Human Growth Hormone (HGH) could cause a person to gain 20 to 30 pounds of muscle, seemingly overnight. Synthetic HGH did not exist; all HGH was obtained from cadavers. At the time HGH was harvested from dead people and used to treat children afflicted with dwarfism. Bodybuilders began bitch-slapping little midget children out of the way in order to obtain some of the limited supply of naturally occurring cadaver-derived HGH. This sudden drain on limited available supplies created a need for an artificial version of HGH and synthetic HGH came to pass. Now that technology provides authorities the ability to identify real from synthesized, watch for cadaver testosterone (if it’s feasible) to become the new hot ticket item among sports cheats.
A second testosterone drug bust occurred when Justin Gatlin, “the world’s fastest man” came in with an elevated test/epi-test ratio. He was suspicious from the git-go as his coach was also the coach for the infamous Marion Jones and her drug-busted and disgraced shot-putter husband. All three are mired up to their armpits in the Balco scandal. The coach is a piece of work and now has the distinction of being the first coach ever banned by the USOC. This came across the Associated Press wire this morning…
The U.S. Olympic Committee banned Justin Gatlin’s track coach from its training facilities Thursday, making him the first target in a newly amplified effort to quash doping in sports. Trevor Graham, who trains the 100 meter co-world record holder accused of drug cheating, was barred indefinitely from all Olympic training centers and sites in the U.S., committee chairman Peter Ueberroth said. Graham became the first coach to receive such a penalty, “based on the unusual number of athletes he has coached who have been convicted of doping offenses,” Ueberroth said in a conference call. At least six athletes under Graham have received drug suspensions, and Gatlin recently disclosed a positive test in April for testosterone or other steroids. He faces a lifetime ban for what would be a second drug violation. In June 2003, Graham helped launch the federal investigation of the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative by anonymously mailing a syringe containing a previously undetectable steroid to USADA. He acknowledged mailing the syringe at the 2004 Athens Olympics, and has noted the action as a way of defending himself against allegations that he’s involved in doping.
In a nutshell, Victor Conte and his team of mad scientists at Balco invented a non-detectable steroid. How? Move a few molecules around and a steroid becomes stealth. Chemical fingerprints are used to determine if banned substances are in the athletes’ body but hey, if the fingerprints are altered a bit, the substance doesn’t show up on the drug test. Trevor Graham sent an empty syringe with stealth steroid trace elements to the authorities. Down came the Balco house of cards and big fat checks from Marion Jones, Barry Bonds and a whole host of other millionaire athletes made out to Balco came to light. The world’s fastest man is currently using a particularly creative and innovative excuse, as good as any I’ve ever heard: a “vengeful massage therapist,” a masseuse, rubbed testosterone-laden cream into his body during a massage. The dog ate my homework. His reasoning, told with straight face, runs as follows (and I paraphrase) “a vengeful masseuse, crazed with hatred, purposefully rubbed testosterone cream into my body during a post-workout rubdown in order to screw me.” Needless to say the poor masseuse is not taking this lying down and is screaming bloody murder. It was the world’s fastest man’s second drug bust…from the AP once again…
A massage therapist drawn into the Justin Gatlin doping scandal denied an accusation that he rubbed testosterone cream on the sprinter’s body to trip a positive drug test. Gatlin’s coach, Trevor Graham, said the world-record holder tested positive after a vengeful massage therapist used testosterone cream on him without his knowledge. In an Italian newspaper, Graham identified the massage therapist as Christopher Whetstine, who worked with Olympian Marion Jones and other elite athletes. Gatlin was suspended in 2001 after testing positive for an amphetamine found in medication he was taking for attention deficit disorder. Track’s world governing body gave him early reinstatement, but said the suspension remained on his record and he would face a life ban for any second violation.
Heads up people! If you currently are receiving post-workout sport massage make damn sure you are not using a terrorist masseuse intent on purposefully elevating your TE ratio! Apparently there is some sort of terror sleeper cell afoot comprised of vengeful anarchist sports masseuses (Decembrists?) surreptitiously rubbing banned cream into unsuspecting innocents. Please be alert and aware! You could be next!
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